Sunday, October 6

Friday's Last{!!} Chemo Weak

Friday afternoon, I lay in bed, looking at the remote just half a stretch across the bed from me. I really didn't want to watch TV, but it just seemed liked it should be on for some reason.

Maybe I thought the house was too quiet, maybe I thought its distraction would perk my spirit, maybe it's because I felt like I needed to do something and this was all I felt I could muster.

Though I don't know what my motivation was for turning on the TV, I do know, I was offended by the effort that stupid remote, was asking me to make, simply to get to it.

I had a flash of thought about crying…. over a remote… that I didn't even want….

I'd like to say I recognized the craziness in this situation, snapped out of my melodramatic state of mind, hopped right up, popped that TV screen on, and indulged freely into the mindlessness of all that day time TV has to offer, while laughing at my previous self, through mouthfuls of extra salted popcorn.

I'd like to say this… but I can't… unfortunately, I continued to lay there… glaring at the remote, making no attempt to stop the negative thoughts from snowballing into more…

And let me tell you, those thoughts snowballed… avalanche style.

I beat myself up for committing to so much in life…
I laughed at the ignorance of everyone who thought I was strong enough to handle this life's challenge…
I wallowed in my inability to mind over matter 'it', this time around…
I brought to the surface, every disappointment I've felt in others...
I brought to the surface, every disappointment I've felt in myself...
I resented the thought of others taking advantage of Friday's beautiful, sunny offering
I resented the thought of others not taking advantage of Friday's beautiful, sunny offering
I told myself I was pathetic and lame
I had displaced anger
I feel asleep

I didn't wake up feeling better, but I woke up feeling less bad.
And like every chemo weekend before, the more hours that went by, the more myself I felt.

This Sunday morning, I'm back to me.
Though I can't say my present self is impressed I allowed my Chemo myself to be consumed as I did, I think it was almost necessary, for me to have been.

I know I'm not as weak as the person I was Friday.
But I also I know it's important for me to recognize, I'm not as strong as the person I was a year ago Friday either.

As much as I want to ignore the idea that I've been weakened through out this past year, last Friday's unexpected remote rage, proves I have.

But, I'm also certain that from this resolved weak, will also come an unexpected sort of strength.


Anonymous said...

In so many ways you are much stronger than a year ago, in other ways you are not. In an attempt to not sound too rainbow and unicorny this past year will ultimately make YOU a better person. Life sucks at times, cancer sucks, this past year has sucked, but because of this year, you will enjoy, savor, and squeeze every ounce of goodness out of the next year and the next. Unfortunately, as I think it's only human nature, we have to experience bad, yucky moments to become stronger and to enjoy the good. You've stocked enough bad for awhile, it's time to move on! You my friend, I know, will do just that. Oh, and that remote... well... fuck it! :-)


BeeCountry said...

well 'Tweedie' is right. I would have to agree with her. I just dont think you even realize how strong you really are. I think wallowing and self pitty is a good thing, Its healthy im glad your doing it... A weak person for example would not be doing Chemo, Would not be taking care of her children, husband, duties etc... A weak person would not be giving surviving a chance. You are strong because you are fighting this, Your strong because you wake up everyday and make life effortless and wonderful for your family by all the things you do. By putting a smile on your face when you want to cry. that makes you strong. crying, being weak minded, succumbing to the realities of 'it' are not things that define being weak.
Being weak is giving up..... Thats why you are strong.



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