Friday afternoon, I lay in bed, looking at the remote just half a stretch across the bed from me. I really didn't want to watch TV, but it just seemed liked it should be on for some reason.
Maybe I thought the house was too quiet, maybe I thought its distraction would perk my spirit, maybe it's because I felt like I needed to do something and this was all I felt I could muster.
Though I don't know what my motivation was for turning on the TV, I do know, I was offended by the effort that stupid remote, was asking me to make, simply to get to it.
I had a flash of thought about crying…. over a remote… that I didn't even want….
I'd like to say I recognized the craziness in this situation, snapped out of my melodramatic state of mind, hopped right up, popped that TV screen on, and indulged freely into the mindlessness of all that day time TV has to offer, while laughing at my previous self, through mouthfuls of extra salted popcorn.
I'd like to say this… but I can't… unfortunately, I continued to lay there… glaring at the remote, making no attempt to stop the negative thoughts from snowballing into more…
And let me tell you, those thoughts snowballed… avalanche style.
I beat myself up for committing to so much in life…
I laughed at the ignorance of everyone who thought I was strong enough to handle this life's challenge…
I wallowed in my inability to mind over matter 'it', this time around…
I brought to the surface, every disappointment I've felt in others...
I brought to the surface, every disappointment I've felt in myself...
I resented the thought of others taking advantage of Friday's beautiful, sunny offering
I resented the thought of others not taking advantage of Friday's beautiful, sunny offering
I told myself I was pathetic and lame
I had displaced anger
I feel asleep
I didn't wake up feeling better, but I woke up feeling less bad.
And like every chemo weekend before, the more hours that went by, the more myself I felt.
This Sunday morning, I'm back to me.
Though I can't say my present self is impressed I allowed my Chemo myself to be consumed as I did, I think it was almost necessary, for me to have been.
I know I'm not as weak as the person I was Friday.
But I also I know it's important for me to recognize, I'm not as strong as the person I was a year ago Friday either.
As much as I want to ignore the idea that I've been weakened through out this past year, last Friday's unexpected remote rage, proves I have.
But, I'm also certain that from this resolved weak, will also come an unexpected sort of strength.