Wednesday, January 1

Dear 2013,

**some not so nice words used below**
**I could have used worse**

I've been sitting here for the last 15 minutes, typing, erasing, re-typing, only to erase again.

Awhile back, I read a quote that said, "what you write, before you edit, is what you really mean to say". I've thought about that a lot… like a lot, a lot… I've worked it around my brain quite a bit… from a lot of different angles of interpretation, to how many places this could be implied, and to in how many situations utilized… I wondered if when other people read the same words as I did, would they give it as much thought as I have...

But I've digressed from what I'm really trying to say, what I'm trying to get around to, all the 'type, erasing, re-typing' I've been doing, it didn't play to your favor for me not to edit… and I edit after I write, because I don't like to offend, I don't like to make people feel less than, I don't point weaknesses out, and more importantly I want to be nice….

But I see no other way, to move from where I am, to where I need to be without frankly saying….

2013, you were a piss wagon bitch hat…. one I wouldn't feel the least bit guilty about punching in the boob.

You challenged me, you made me grin, you made me bare, you made me questions if I was even the same person I thought I was when we first met… {answer: I'm not}…. you gave me guilt over things I couldn't control, and you gave me no control over all that I was feeling guilty about.

It was offensive, you made me feel less than, more than exposed my weaknesses, you weren't nice.

But with all this, I worked so hard to take in stride and you knew I would..…  you knew I would put those big girl pants on, you knew I would take it for what it was, head strong, carry on.

You knew I would find the silver lining, you knew I would suck it up a lot, complain about it a little. You knew my defiant nature would not allow many tears to be shed on your watch.

Right here feels about where I should turn this into a 'what doesn't kill you makes you strong' post or a 'look who's got the last laugh now' rallied write, but I'm not going to do that, I can't do that. I'd only be saying it for others if I did. I need to start healing from you and on the first day of 2014 is where I plan to start.

We both know I am not stronger at the end of your reign, 2013, than I was at the beginning of it…. in fact, I am very much weaker…. mentally, physically, emotionally and energetically.

You have however, focused me to get back to what my personal best can be.

Mentally, I often compare myself to a broken pencil that's been put back together with tape… Whole in form, but not in fibers.

I'm at my weakest weak… I am under no illusion that I will even be back to my strongest strong… but I'll be strong again, nonetheless.

My core has premaritally softened in some ways, hardened in others, but that's ok…. I'm here and working back to healthy.

I haven't found my resolve with you yet, but I'm sure I will…in time… I'm not a grudge holder and besides, I have a really horrid memory for the finer details in the depth of bad…

I'd like to think 2014 will be the edit to what you had to write in 2013, but I don't think that quote would really apply to this situation now would it… because if that were the case, that would mean you were a down right rotten whore… and that's just not nice, now is it.



amy said...

You make me smile and laugh and admire your strength. You may not feel the same in strength and energy but you have come through to the other side much wiser. Although I don't know you I was county raised. We all know how strong county women are. My best to you on this years journey.

Lydia Leavitt said...

I don't know you either, but I have followed your posts with your triumphs & thank God every time that I read your posts that my Cancer was no where near as bad as yours is. Would I be as strong as you? I don't know. No one knows until they walk in your shoes. I will pray for your complete healing mentally and physically.


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